I am writing this one way through with very few edits. Bare with me, its one of those posts where I share my vulnerabilities.
Self-esteem is something I never had. It's a trait that I admired in other people because the knocks and bruises of life doesn't seem to hurt them as much. It seems like people with self-esteem and confidence are able to look at themselves in times of adversity and not let it internalize.
I've always wished that I had more positive traits-smarter, wittier, a better writer, more articulate, more scholarly, and a more social person. I wish I were a viable option for a romantic relationship. I wish I had met my soulmate in college instead of shying away in the corner of the lecture hall.
These thoughts wouldn't consume me, but I would spend a lot of my moments of depression wondering why I didn't have any of the traits that I wished for. It's a shame really-23 years on and now, I don't wish for traits or desires as much as I used to. There's some wishes that I'll never let go of-being a better writer, more social, and I can work on those things. As for the whole smarter, wittier
Instead of seeking self-esteem, I am on the path to accepting who I am and striving to be the best person I am. For me, it takes away the power of using what I think are other people's perception of me to shape how I view myself (did that make sense?). It's my first step towards actualized adulthood in which I am comfortable in my own skin. Have you ever met someone who was comfortable in their own skin? It's the best kind of self-care imaginable. It doesn't mean that one shouldn't challenge themselves, it just means that one shouldn't use the chaos and turmoil of the world to establish identity.
Acceptance is self-actualization. Living up to your potentials, being true to yourself and not letting chaos affect the perception of self. How freeing must that be?
Thank you for reading! (if you still here)